Beware of Low Ceiling

Hello beings.

I'm thoroughly convinced that nobody is really fully trustworthy of their words/actions.

At some point, one way or another, they are are just simply fucked up. You, me and the rest of the world. So much for being nice to each other. I realised it just doesn't pay off. The dividends isn't exactly fair in a sense. 

What's wrong with a cup of coffee together and having just plain chit-chat? If you're so insecure about it, whether you gimme that stupid excuse of being misunderstood, i shan't attempt to do anything like that anymore to your princess. 

Anyway, what's the deal with virginity these days? Are they of any importance? I did think it was pretty special. And how you lose it depends how special it is. 

At least for that moment.

I kinda am angry bout it now. NOW. Yes. I actually treasured it a lot which is why i was very hesistant with my previous partners. 

And now i lost it. Although i lost to to someone i really loved and that it went pretty well, it's gone. She's gone. And i lost my 'special' value to a trashy person.

Whatever sweet shit you said and promised me back then came to just bull.

But i don't care now. I do not give a single hoot to whatever other people say anymore.

I'm sick of being mr.nice guy and swallowing all my pride over and over again.

I'm sick of being ever so patient with people over and over again.

I'm sick of listening to repetitive crap and cover-ups about acts they did.

I'm sick of it all but i'm accepting it and i think it's all just too funny.

The way they move sleekly and hide their motives behind words and smiles and assurance.

It's so whatever. If you wanna do it, just do it and get it on with life. Why waste so much time going through one helluva round? 

Hah. What a crazy deceptive world. I simply love it. 

It's so interesting at how people behave sometimes. 

And the seven deadly sins lives on.

Nobody can avoid it. Not even the toughest one.

You will still fall. 

Fuck your conscience. Fuck your pledges. Fuck your promises. Fuck your hollow words on a screen. 

Screw the insecure boyfriends. They are ever so annoying and disruptive. Live with it that your gal's a hot stuff and that they are more interesting than you are. We are more envious of your fucking luck more than anything else in any case or question you wanna bring up.

I love this deceptive world where everyone is hiding something at every point of time. :)

Hollow body

Yes. I know. This blog hasn't been updated.

I've been writing in my diary as i've mentioned.

In any case, since i'm here.

Things have been pretty okay. In fact, more than okay!!

Been having lotsa fun activities. :)

Too lazy to describe what. As long as i'm having fun, why do you care?

Hah.

And er.. Good luck to me!!

Knock Knock

I've got a diary now which means blogging hasn't been my priority. 

Well, it has never been really. Hah.

Anyway, things have been okay. Just okay.

And i keep forgetting things and it kinda spooks me a lil.

And i hate bus rides alone because it gets me thinking bout shit that i hate.

Oh well, i'm really really trying to meet someone but i really am terrified of the suspense that it holds. It's really a fucked up world i tell you.

Funny thing is, i love this fucked up world. Wahah!

Come to think of it. Yea. I love this fucked up society.

And also, ev,

Sometimes i really hate you. Wahaha.

You just can't tell the whole truth when you know you have to.

Well, that's just you. And i've been living with it ever since. It still irks me. 

I think shouldn't give two shits about it either until you decide to tell it.

Ha. Perhaps over coffee on a breezy day sometime soon ya. :)

And i'll always be there for you no matter what fuck comes in your or our way.

Hooray-ness!

What a bitch everyone is. Fuckin' love 'em.

Lost My Ticket

I wonder how much do i have to pay or whatever to have just 2 hours of talk time with you.

It's always rushing and cancelling and tired and this and that.

So what if i see you every night? It's just only to watch you chat to others online and smsing at the same time and not giving two fucks about someone right beside you waiting for you to finish. And even then, all you want is to sleep.

We were supposed to have a nice afternoon coffee today but guess what. It only lasted less than an hour. And half the time you were obsessed with your stupid ipod.

I wonder..i wonder.

What do you want in exchange for your precious time??

What is it?

I guess i have no more place in your life.

Do expect the unexpected.

Footprints

Everything is fucked up. Everything is fucked up.

Fucked up. UNfair. Shit.

Loser.

Hate. Whatever. Meaningless. Pointless. 

Fucked up. Fucked up.

Lousy. Unfeeling. Numb. Disagreements.

Unfaithful. Lied.

Bullshit.  Fucked up.

Life's a mess now. I'm so numb to everything. Disconnected. Blah blah blah.

What a beautiful world. I hate myself. I hate myself.  

I failed. Failure. They say you learn through failures. Who's they? How badly did they think they failed?

Relationships are just bullshit i guess. It's a status. Doesn't mean much.

I am never gonna get into another one. It all just leads to suspense and disappointment.

I know you. You know me. I think that's pretty enough. 

Fucked up. 

Why thank me for loving you? I wasn't doing a favour. It was unconditional.

What's a thank you and sorry? Doesn't add up well. 

Fucked up. That's what we all are. Fucked up.

I was stupid, blind, dumb, ignorant, aloof, lousy, unfeeling, fucked up, blind blind blind and fucked up.

Silent Sniggers

I'm currently just standing outside Starbucks @ PS. Am gonna head down to MediaCorp later to catch Screamm in action! I believe they are strong enough to last at least this round. Then again, we all still have to hope nevertheless. 

Just 2 days ago, a breakdown happened again for no particular reason. I just suddenly felt in between happy and sad. 

And i guess, you're right. The situation with us now is fantastic. And i won't let it be stained.

It feels like a movie everyday. Or an episode of sex and the city. Hah.

Being with you makes me feel nice and happy. :)

Moving on, i'm trying to find the right people to collaborate with my music. Taking it leisurely for the moment but hoping it'd go somewhere someday at the same time. :)

Still need to get the proper tools though. 

Also, thank you Ev for your great hospitality. It's been really comfortable. And thanks to your mum too. Thank you madam!! :) 

Coffee + ciggies and surfing the net with a buddy is damn shoik can!!

Ha. And i need to start to find some individuals for me to teach some guitars.

Unorthodox as it seems, at least it's heading towards the creativity section. I..guess? :p

Beings around me are going through a rough patch as well. On relationships too.

As they share their thoughts and worries, i kinda have to be thankful for my situation. 

I sometimes wonder whether i should just have companionship for the rest of my life without tying the knot. What do you think Ev? 

Seems like only you and me have this kinda open-mindset.

Don't you think? Whatever we are doing is kinda like taboo to others but not us.

That is why you're special. That was why our relationship was so special. :)

It seems after all this shit, we realised more common things we share on top of the tons we already knew.

Thank you for your love, concern and hugs and smiles and "booger-ing".

It's blardy fun la can!!

And this is so fucking beautiful.

Flames And Beyond

My mind's been a lil on the rough side. I really am not too sure why. Just couldn't pinpoint the exact problem. Oh well.

Last night was terrible. I was just waiting for you, feeling normal about it all until my mind flooded itself with assumptions. Crazy shit.

I think i really need a huge distraction for all this. Hah.

Damn. 

I love you babe. 

No plans today for a sunday. Probably just laze around and try to.. try what...? Ha.

I need coffee. And smokes. And coffee. Damn. I think it's a problem.

HAha. But i like coffee!! Argh! 

Hmm... i've been over at ev's place for quite a bit lately. I realy like it here because it's so comfy!! And we get to do silly things together. Hah. 

Right now you're sleeping so soundly beside me and i feel like grabbing a water bomb and dropping in at you now. WHahha!

Silly. Silly Silly. We always have been.

As The RIver Flows

Things have been pretty nice lately. 

I unsure of how to describe it but let's just say that being in an open relationship helps.

You have been awesome. WE have been awesome.

I guess i need to take up something else that could make me earn a little more. I thought of teaching guitars but i'm not sure whether an unorthodox way of teaching is recommended.

And another thing is, i'm quite caught making my own music and hoping it'd go somewhere someday. Hoping ain't good i know but i don't wanna promise myself too much now. Heh. :p

And pretty much, music is bloody important to me. Like REALLY important. Nothing comes close to soothing me down than making music (and YOU perhaps).

Well, whatever. As long as i'm feeling great. Whatever goes.

So fuck it. Ha.

Off We Go!

Past few nights have been great.

Managed to get my items like jeans, lenses, blinks for ev, NYDC ice-cream(!!!), cuffs, bangles and some other small shits. This was yesterday ya. Ha.

Went along to watch SuperBand and the eliminated band was shocking. I hated the result. It fucking stinks. 

Damn the voting systems. 

BUT that IS the agreement anyway. So yea.

Work's pretty low-tempo but generally great with all the happy people around.

I love my job man. I really like interacting with the customers. Well, not all of 'em of course. 

There's always those bitchass ones. Damn you all.

Got the 3rd draft to my song for Ev done. S'getting neater and "ommph-ie" by the minute.

Yaahooo!!

Hope to get it done up by her birthday.

Planning to get a piercing done. As well as a tattoo. I've got rough ideas but i'm certain to do it!!

Woo!!

Anyways, i guess we're on another level babe.

Day by day, we're realising a lot of things about each other and somehow, it puts a smile on us.

A funky family we dream of. A funky family we're gonna build. :)

We're sharing so much of similar thoughts and views and concept that it's so nostalgic.

Only we know. Only we know.

The situation has helped me realised a lot of shit that i did. Or rather did not do.

I'm sorry.

The things we shared on the bus today was short and sweet. We just love that sometimes don't we? I guess i was quite an ass too back then. Oh well, only we know. Only we know.

:)

I think i should go get a diary tomorrow. I like writing it out. The scribblings shows much emotions missing from blogs. 

And Emily stickers for my SalesAgreement File!! Yahoo!!

You're beeeeaauuuuuuuutifullll!!

LoopHole

Loved the coffee & cigarrette talk we had on saturday. S'nice to let out our feelings and hopes.  

Nothing exciting has been happening which i guess is pretty shitty. 

Hah. 

Gonna go shopping today with babe! Yay!! And ice-cream!! YummmmY!!

I hope i will not exceed my budget for getting shoes, bag, top, belt, file, blah blah blah. 

Shit. It's gonna exceed. Fuck.

Anyway, you would love to build a funky family with me and wanna have my kids.

So alright, let's do that!

But i guess you gotta sort out some matters first.

If your heart keeps telling you that i'm the One , no matter whom you're with, i guess it ain't lying to you afterall.

:)

We are One.

Hoolabaloo

What were you thinking ev?!!
As you realised, i know you too well and that you really don't wanna let me go.
I managed to calm you down and even cheer you up. As always. :)
How many can do that?

I'm glad you and me envision the same thought about a family together. :)
And yes. As we always agree. Our kids are gonna so cool with us as mom & dad. :)
Funky family.

You're really confused. Yes. I know.
But i think you're not actually confused.

You don't still love me.

You. love. me

I assume you are afraid of coming back to me and because you might hurt me again next time.
Well, i have been hurt by you so many times but still. Look where i am now.
Still here.
Who can do that?

Even maha mentions we can never be seperated no matter what.
I guess that tells a lot of how stable and secured we will always be.

Even after 2 years of almost seeing each other every day and night. we aren't bored of each other in any way.
Noticed how much love we are actually sharing?
Who can do that?

It goes to show how equally yoke we actually are.

Feel your heart. See the future.
What is it??

Oh how stella it could have been

First things first.

I. love. you

but you know something ev?
I... am fighting with myself everyday. To just fucking move on.
And that we would just remain bestest friends. And just bestest friends.

Heck. I'm not living in denial that you still love maha. Only that he's not the only one you love right now.
Which not sometimes but always, put me back to the confusion party.

You tell me all the time that i'm 'the one'. And that you can't afford at all cost to lose me.
I feel you. I do.
Well, i'm not pushing you to make an instant decision.
I just hope by the time you really made up your mind, it's not too late.

If you regret the choices you make, you know you'd only have yourself to blame because really, i'm falling away little by little.
My love for you is different you always mention. But i guess you haven't polished the real jewel to it until now. Even after 2 years, you still haven't noticed the diamond in it.

You do notice that our relationship now is much stronger than before. It always takes a mistake or a hurdle to notice things and remind us why we were together in the first place.

I'm amazed at myself really. I'm amazed at how i could still be here for you and doing all these things without feeling any sense of hatred or discomfort or whatever along that line.

I think i'm special.

And you are special too because i can love you in all sorts of ways. And i think it's something only certain individuals possess.

Anyway, i'm sorry.
I think i have fallen for another.
And she's a wonderful person too.

I didn't get a chance to tell you just now.

There's like butterflies in my stomach now.

I'm sorry.

Nevertheless, we shall still stay the same as how we are now.
You're a treasure to me as I am to you.

The song that i'm writing for you is so... i don't know.
It tells about what we went through together and something else at the same time.
I love it. And it's for you.

I hope i could have support from you with me moving on.
I'm so sad now. In fact, i don't really know how i feel. It's not joyful for all i know.

i cherished that dream of us getting married and building a funky family someday.
yes.

Cherished.

Silent Mode

Ev's obsessed with the Superband videos and i wouldn't blame her. I'd be just as excited as her if i was in!! :)

Anyway, to continue from where i left,
my feelings for you can never fade off completely.
I guess you and i really have chemistry. And can make each other smile no matter what happened or happens.

You were feeling down just now so i just gave up my wait for transferring of songs to pat you to sleep and sing impromptu lullabies to you. Just to make you feel warm and know that we're always there for each other.

As i was lying down on your bed, i stared at the stars that we put up on your ceiling and rewind to that day. Where we bought the stars at Toys'R'Us.
You did not notice but i teared. Good times. Good times.
:)

I'm sorry. :)
But you're a darling to me.
And i want the whole world to know.

Ha.

OKay. im back. Ha.

I guess i have woken up. LIke seriously. I know i was living on rubbish. Whah.

well in any case, here goes.

I have given up waiting for you. Yes. You know that. 

Now in fact, i have given up everything about you. :)

Somehow, i can't see you as my life partner any more. Just a great awesome friend. That's that.

This was probably why i was shivering and feeling spastic just now.

I thought hard about it and i guess you have already lost your chance to have another go with me. The hurt that you inflicted so badly on me came back over and over again.

You're fantastic a best friend for sure. BEcause we have such a great sense of stupidity, humour and musically driven. :)

I cherished the 2 years we spent of course. It was fantastic. 

What i really need now is someone who i can really really depend on.

And cheer me on all the way!!

You're still very indecisive about matters and that kinda scares me a lot.

So yea. 

Maybe i'll blog more tomor morning. 

Sorry.

PWeee!!

ScreamM was truly fantastic last night!! Definitely one of the better bands in the Superband competition!!

The solo was the shit. Drums had great balance in groove and attack. Bassist went wild and vocals was fitted nicely. Could sense the nervousness in them but they pulled it off well. Awesome shit.

I hope to be there every monday~!!

Stayed till the results show and went back with Ev's family. Washed up and headed back down there to pick her up. While waiting i was transferring  files from my old memory card to the new 2GB one! Woohoo!! So gonna upload millions of songs!! 

Anyway, i finally got the base down for my song. Pretty technical and this is my first ever project i'm gonna do totally solo. Hope it'll be my new platform to great music. I've kinda had it with playing with bands nowadays. It's just so hard to find the right people. So yea. Wish me luck!!

Work was strange today. I was shivering when it wasn't cold. Shivering from some funny feeling i had inside. I was staring into blank space half the afternoon. And i realised what it meant when i was on the bus home. It's a thought that i'd never wish would come.

I'll blog about it tomorrow morning. Or maybe later. i dunno. But i will jot it down for sure.

I'm pretty content with it.

So okay. She needs to use this awesome MacBook now.

See ya!